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Conversational Intelligence

Several of my clients have said that they find it almost impossible to “read” other people on zoom or the like. Though doing business through a variety of on-line platforms is now commonplace, many of us long for face to face meetings where it is easier to “pick up the vibes” from others. Without that proximity, we feel we are at a real disadvantage in forming working partnerships. Fortunately there is another approach - “Conversational Intelligence.”

By Thomi Glover

Thomi is an Executive Coach, Leadership and Organizational Development Consultant and facilitator of custom processes that build effective teams, enhance leadership and develop emotional intelligence.

The Problem

Our neanderthal ancestors’ brains differed from ours in one primary respect….their limbic brains and amygdala in the back and lower part of the skull were highly sensitive. They needed to “know” when danger was close and when it was time to get away fast! They were good at that and evolved into us, homo sapiens.

Our critical difference is the development of the prefrontal cortex…that front part of the brain where our thinking and trust response resides. The problem is that the amygdala can derail our trust building capacity in a heartbeat, whenever we feel threatened in any way, be it by business uncertainty and anxiety or by mixed messages from others.

Help for Consultants

Many people have heard of emotional intelligence, that combination of skills that Daniel Goleman defined as self awareness, self management and relationship effectiveness. My coaching clients ask me, “How do I demonstrate these critical skills when I communicate and what can I do to create better partnerships with my clients?

This is where conversational

intelligence comes in.

From “I” to “We”

Many people find themselves in a consulting role, either as actual consultants, like my colleagues at TMC, or by serving “internal clients” within an organization in their role as an IT Manager or as the manager of another support department.

A consultant’s task is to partner with their clients, which absolutely requires shared trust and honesty. This means that they need to move from “I” (the consultant, with lots of knowledge and the personal need to be successful) to “We”.

There are three common conversational blind-spots which hinder this:

  1. We jump to solutions for client problems as being right provides us with a dopamine high...it can be addictive.
  2. We fail to realize that when we feel anxious we release cortisol which closes down the prefrontal cortex—our thinking place. So no problem solving or decision making there.
  3. We “know” what someone has said, but it’s often not so. We usually recall what we were thinking about what the other person has said. Our own (and our client’s) internal dialogue can block accurate communication.

We need therefore to ensure we have actually communicated with our clients; that we have actually understood one another.

In our next issue we’ll review how to improve our chances of understanding and being understood.

If you’d like to comment on this article or explore these ideas further, contact me at .

This article was published in the October 2020 edition of The TMC Advisor
- ISSN 2369-663X Volume:7 Issue:7

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