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Conversational Intelligence

Last month I explored the critical role of conversational intelligence in effective consulting. We saw the way the amygdala, or lizard brain, that has been with us for millions of years impacts not just what we do, the old fight or flight pattern, but also what we are able to hear and how we can move into trusting relationships. Without trust our clients are highly unlikely to want to work with us. Fortunately, it is a skill that anyone can learn.

By Thomi Glover

Thomi Glover, MA, MDiv, CMC, PCC, Senior Consultant TMC, is an Executive Coach, Leadership and Organizational Development Consultant and facilitator of custom processes that build effective teams, enhance leadership and develop emotional intelligence.

Get Out of Lizard Brain

How we communicate is critical to help others get out of their lizard brain and into their prefrontal cortex where thinking, not just feeling, resides. It is foundational to building trust. This is a challenge because different words mean different things to different people. The tone of our voice complicates things further.

Things That Work

What can we as professionals do to improve our relationships with our clients, either internal or external? How can we move to shared problem solving and mutual success?

Take It Slow: do not jump to a solution. Even if we think we have the perfect solution for the client’s challenge, we first need to ensure we have a shared understanding of what the challenge actually is and how important it might be.

Anxiety Check: we need to be aware of the level of fear and anxiety that is simply “in the air”. Among other things, it means we need to take extra time and extra care. Nearly everyone these days goes around with a heightened amygdala, and, building trust, moving brain activity to the prefrontal cortex, takes time.

The Right Tone: We are tonal creatures. Our neanderthal ancestors communicated with tonal sounds long before they had language. Anyone who has a dog knows how the animal responds to and expresses tone. The way we say what we say, makes a critical difference in what our clients hear, and the extent to which they feel safe in sharing their challenges and ultimately, whether they decide to trust us or not.

If our tone is the least bit too assertive, let alone aggressive, that can create fear and defensiveness. We stay in the “you” or “me” and don’t move to the “we”.

Define Success: create a shared understanding of success and a safe space to share concerns or problems. The pair of questions that I like to ask each participant are:

  1. If there was one thing that could really make a difference to the success of your team / organization, what would it be?
  2. And what difference might that mean for you personally?”

Listen: Stay quiet, and listen! Our deep listening speaks volumes about our willingness to really partner, not just create more business. Take the time to make it safe for everyone to acknowledge how they experience their challenges, especially if they fear that they might appear personally inadequate.

With trust, our clients see us as being

“on their side.”

If you’d like to comment on this article or explore these ideas further, contact me at .

This article was published in the November 2020 edition of The TMC Advisor
- ISSN 2369-663X Volume:7 Issue:8

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